Breakin' up

I march along the winding sidewalk to the development neighborhood, fuming with anger and smoke.  A man is walking his dog.  The grass is saturated and the sidewalk is wet.  The neighborhood is ice cold.  No sound.  Houses dark.  I turn down the street and start walking.

On one street-corner in the winding cul-de-sacs, a house has haunted front yard.  A white christmas rope light winds lazily up the path to the house and dies, caught in a broken shrub.  Illuminated, and draped in sheet plastic and dead leaves, it looks like a white ghost rearing up over broken snake.  Abandoned after Christmas, but somehow more perfect for Halloween.

I walk.  There is a drilling noise.  I walk closer.  It is midnight.  A chubby teenager is flying a toy helicopter over the street, back and forth.  The neighborhood empty and dark.  Here he is.  The helicopter whines and as it drops and rises.  He sees me, and crosses to my side of the street, standing in my path.  I nearly walk towards him, refusing to slow down.  He moves off the sidewalk just in time, the helicopter close overhead.  I walk back the neighborhood and across the field to my car.  I am on my third menthol cigarette.  It tastes worse, but it pulls smooth in cold air.  The stars shine bright with my anger.

- - -

I drive away angry and frustrated.  What a way to end things.  A ninety minute shouting match with myself on the drive home.  I am yelling and cursing myself.  I am yelling and cursing at her, but she is not here.  My car is flying fast and dangerously loose down these dark mountain roads.  I race along the mountaintop.  Silicon valley glows hazy orange down below.  I'll won't have any of it.  Fuck you city.  Fuck you Jasmine.  Fuck this.  Now I am driving through forest again.

I humor myself.  Some of these turns feel awfully tight.  Maybe I just let go--take flight off the embankment into the redwood canopy.

I slow down.  A pack of cigarettes is what I need.  Slow death.  Not this.  Not now.

- - -

Who breaks up with someone and then asks them to meet up one last time for a nice evening?  Who goes along with it?  We buy each other gifts at the mall.  Quiet dinner at a Japanese restaurant.  Her place.  Things fall apart.  I'm not what she's looking for.  She's attracted to her coworkers.  I'm the kind of guy she'd want to be in a relationship with when we're older.  A grim laughter breaks inside me.  I look at the earrings I just bought her.  It's time to go.  She's crying telling me she cares about me.  I'm folding over inside.

Ignore your gut, and your gut'll get punched  Things have not been working.  I should've acted long ago when I had the chance.

She was weak, but I was weaker.  Maybe it could have been mutual, but she pulled the last card and the house collapsed on me instead.  In a small way, I lost big.  One fourteen month chapter closed, four hours and counting.   Breaking up.  Life goes on.  I hurts.